God is weird: PART 4

An Ordination Candidate’s Experience of The Discernment Process

Where’s My Pigeon Hole?

Back to the process itself. The DDO assigned me a Vocations Advisor (who has since left and I’ve been assigned a new one) whom I met every couple of months to discuss how my discerning is going. These meetings are like a very long three-way job interview. The church is looking at me and I’m looking at the church and myself and we’re all looking to God and asking “Is this right?”

After my first meeting with the DDO it was apparent I knew pretty much nothing about church. This was also confirmed in my meetings with my first Vocations Advisor. We’d been looking at the 9 criteria, a set of qualities which candidates have to show/possess, in order to be considered for training. I stumbled at the second of nine. Not a great start.

I’d have to show “an understanding of my own tradition within the Church of England, an awareness of the diversity of traditions and practice, and a commitment to learn from and work generously with difference”. Tricky, as I didn’t have a tradition. I didn’t fancy (and still don’t fancy) having to decide what kind of Christian I am.


I was baffled by the various pigeon holes people occupied and what this meant in terms of theology, worship styles and whether one puts one’s hands in their air while singing or not. I’d be flattered to be described as charismatic, but had no idea this had anything to do with the Holy Spirit. The term Evangelical had, in my limited understanding, been hijacked by aggressive hate preachers in America. Maybe I once watched a documentary about it. Maybe Louis Theyroux was in it.

I now realise this couldn’t be further from the truth, and I now see myself as very aligned with elements of this tradition. Anglo-Catholic still confused me because there was such mystery in it all, but I liked the idea of predictable structure and fancy outfits (the Army in me). Apparently there’s much more to it than that.  Indeed, so much more. I now see myself as very aligned with elements of this tradition too.

Furthermore, B.1 (Candidates should have knowledge and understanding of the Church of England) and B.3 (Candidates should have an understanding of ministry within the Church of England) made me again question why, oh why, a brand new Christian would be put through all of this. There was so much to learn.

Here’s a list of the bizarre church-words and phrases I had to look up  in my first few months as a candidate, because I’d either never heard of them or wasn’t sure of their “church” meaning: chasuble, chancel, vestry, cloisters, slain in the spirit, Brethren, laying on of hands, fellowship, getting alongside, testimony, intercession, eschatology, Emmanuel, Maranatha, Hallelujah, Hosanna, dean, canon, rector, elder, crucifer, anointing, ordinance, ordinand, ecclesiology, episcopal, Episcopalian, epistle, apostle, apostolic, apologetics, missal, canticle, Creed, Calvinist, cincture, liturgy, Pentateuch, 39 articles, Magnificat, matins, Presbyterian, Anglican Communion, Zion, and so on, and so on, and so on.

Luckily I’d served as a linguist and cultural specialist in the Army, so saw this as just another vocabulary to learn.  That said, I feared I’d never be able to convince a panel I knew enough. I could read and read but my veneer of understanding would surely be seen through by even the gentlest of interrogations at BAP. They’d know I was a fraud.

Crash Course on Church at Cranmer Hall

September came around quickly and I’d moved the last of my boxes home, had hung up my uniform, and had enrolled at Cranmer Hall. This exposure was just what I needed. Each day began with Morning Prayer in the chapel which smelled dreamily of incense, where I had to wrestle with a colourfully beribboned book and unfamiliar words, and Tuesday evenings were all about informal worship, heartily sung modern worship songs accompanied by a band, and Communion with real pieces of actual bread. It was all rather mind-blowing. I loved it.


I was at Cranmer Hall for a year, and in that time I took modules in the Old and New Testaments, Mission and Evangelism (I got sent away on a mystery mission for 24 hours with no money which you can read about later), and preaching. I chose these modules because if I wasn’t recommended at BAP and couldn’t afford to continue my degree, at least I’d have some really useful practical skills to use as a lay person in my local church. This forethought proved worthy, as I’d soon find out.

By the spring term I was quite unwell and for a variety of reasons (I’ve written blogs on this, check the homepage) I had to leave. 

This was traumatic. I loved the community and all the staff. My head was full of new learning and ideas, and I felt I was being stretched in all the right ways. But alas, I couldn’t continue, so I told the Warden, who was very understanding, and I stepped out into a scary world of great uncertainty, wondering what on earth had just happened. What do I do now?

I just didn’t understand it. No job, no money, no more studying. Wasn’t this what God had wanted? 

I was unwell and very sad, and so very confused by my calling. 

2 replies »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog Stats

  • 8,728 hits
Follow camouflage and cassocks on WordPress.com

Want to read the next one? Enter your email address to follow.

Join 590 other followers



Getting up close and personal with some farm yard friends. #raisethemwild #outdoorbaby #getoutdoors #adventurebaby #farmanimals #sheep #goats #11monthsold #familytime #cousins
A day out adventuring with Claire and Elizabeth never disappoints. Bare feet, great coffee and smoothies, picnicking, a paddle in the sea, glorious weather and a train ride. What's not to love? ... *Elizabeth darling PLEASE tell Muma you'll sleep tonight after all this!!* 😳💤💤💤 #visitengland #britishbeaches #saltburn #barefootbaby #raisethemwild #motherdaughter #11monthsold #openwaterswimming #northsea #northeast #beach #seaside #trainride
Our weekend summary in pictures. Swipe for why everyone was crying with laughter at the family BBQ
Blowing raspberries is a serious business, especially when you're trying to concentrate on your rising trot #portdepollença #park #baby #11monthsold #blowingraspberries
This is the only way I want to fall asleep from now on. If I'm not being rocked in someone's arms with two people stroking my face, I won't sleep. Thats not true. I'd take 2 hours of unbroken sleep in a barn right now, WITH cows💤 🐮💤 #motherhood #sleepingbaby #majorca
Queen tribute band at midnight. This little party animal has ALL the moves. #queen #bohemianrhapsody #iwanttobreakfree #freddiemercury #tributeact #dancingbaby #motheranddaughter #motherhood #funnybaby #11monthsold #barefootbaby #majorca #familyholiday #nightowl #bedtime
Port de Pollenca you are a beaut #familyholiday #mallorca #sunset #baby #instababies
Sleeping her way through the holiday like #majorca #sleepingbaby #familyholiday
Holiday family snaps volume 2 of 500 #famalam
Holiday snaps with the fam #40thweddinganniversary #familyholiday #majorca #mallorca #sunshine #parenting
I think I've peaked in life. Wearing matching #fridakahlo vests with Elizabeth Frida AND we found her some teeny tiny crocs. My heart might actually burst. #matchymatchy #motherdaughter #babygirl #motherhood #11monthsold #majorca #beach #firstcrocs #crocs #matchingoutfits #mybaby #love
Friday fun day #park #paddlingpool #babygirl #parenting #mothersdaughter #clothnappies #clothbum #reusablenappies #raisethemwild #barefootbaby #minime #motherhood #sunshine
A day of gorgeous weather, stunning scenery and getting very lost in the woods that, if you're not careful, you can totally unintentionally wander into from the Botanic Gardens. 12 miles later... it's a good job I had comfy shoes on. #nature #intothewoods #britishwildlife #trees #wildchild #adventuremum #adventurebaby #barefootbaby #minime #motherhood #parenting #mothersdaughter #hiking #sunshine #smiles #lost #durham #breastfeeding #breastfeedinginpublic #breastfed #normalizebreastfeeding
From the weekend. Big thanks to @littlegingeruk for taking some really lovely family photos. From the hundreds you had to take I'm so glad at least you got some where she wasn't eating bark 😆 #raisethemwild #outdoorlife #greatoutdoors #babyled #greenparenting #adventuremum #wildchild #babyledweaning #adventurebaby #barefootbaby #minime #motherhood #parenting #familyphoto #babygirl #daughter #10monthsold #nature #woodland #forest #strawberryblond #clothnappies
⚡TRANSFORMATION TUESDAY ⚡ Maybe not the most dramatic transformation you'll see on Insta today but as well as shorter hair, there's about 2 stone difference between these pics. •Shoutout to @neen_turnbullpt for getting me this far and helping me recover and strengthen my body after giving birth. (I don't often post gym stuff on this account as I prefer to bore my followers with photos of my baby instead, but if you enjoy watching others workout from the comfort of your phone, follow me at @baby_to_barbell) #postpartumfitness #postpartumfitnessjourney #postpartumbody #mamaswholift #fitmama #momswholift #pt #motivation #transformationtuesday #getfit #weightloss #bodygoals #fitnessgoals #fitnessjourney #fitfam #womenwholift #thicc #muscle #trainhard #shoulders
%d bloggers like this: